Larry’s Note: I am aware that this can be a very touchy topic. You may or may not agree with my suggestions, but just remember… that is what the “comments” section is all about. Your comments are welcome!
If you find yourself in a situation where someone in your bridal party isn’t fulfilling the commitments that are required, what do you do?
Be brave! It’s never an easy task to fire someone, however. . .
This is the most precious day of your life and you must never allow anyone in your bridal party to be anything less than their best nor have your wedding day be anything less than the highest priority on their list on your wedding day! NEVER!
First, it is of utmost importance that before you choose anyone, especially the Maid or Matron of honor, you have a serious “sit-down” conversation with her about “everything” that expected of her. Make it very clear that if she is unwilling or cannot comply, that you will have to choose someone else. Never choose a known slacker even if she is a friend. If, for any reason, they are unable to be at the wedding or provide the services that are required, they must have the courtesy to tell you as soon as possible.
Sadly, best friends are sometimes not always the best choice. Be careful when choosing an out-of-town bridesmaid. This person may not be able tp attend any of the prewedding activities. If that is an expectation and they cannot comply, choose someone else. Even if it is a longtime friend, working on coming to a place of understanding is the preferred way to go rather than to disinvite her.
(Just to be clear, uninvite is not a word, it is slang – disinvite is a verb meaning to rescind an invitation).
While etiquette generally states that once you’ve invited a bridesmaid, you shouldn’t disinvite her, that doesn’t always prepare you for every single event that might arise. Certainly etiquette doesn’t always take into account the myriad of situations that you might find yourself in during the wedding planning – and even in the course of the big day. You certainly don’t need any drama on your wedding day.
If you find yourself in a situation where one of your bridal party isn’t fulfilling the commitments that are required, what do you do?
Ask yourself if it’s a big enough deal to let it ruin your day. If it is, “fix it!” In my opinion it would be better to lose a friend than to have them not be mature enough to carry out your wishes especially on your wedding day. Better her leave and you choose someone else than for you to turn into a Bridezilla! On the other hand, if she is one of your best friends, well… you need to make a choice. Keep her in the wedding and keep a friend and hope for the best.
If you have to disinvite someone, be prepare to lose a friend in this kind of situation. It would be wise to rule out texting and Facebook. 😉 Not a good idea. I would suggest that you have a private conversation with her (non-accusatory, of course) and first remind her that she is a good friend and of the conversation you initially had with her when you invited her to be your maid of honor. Assume she has a really good reason for her apparent lack of interest in carrying out her duties and let her know you are disappointed and listen how she responds. No excuses.
I do believe in second chances so if you truly believe that there is hope that she will come around let her know that you are depending upon her as a friend and let it go. If she continues to not answer phone calls or email and provides no explanation as to why she is avoiding involvement in your wedding, it may be time for you two to sit down and let her know that you will be choosing someone else. Do this as far in advance of the wedding as possible.
What about disinviting a guest? While in the strictest sense of etiquette it is seen as inappropriate to disinvite a wedding guest, it’s important to remember that every family situation is different. In this particular instance, you may want to call the guest and say, “Jennifer, I’m calling because I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate our friendship and that it troubles me but I have to cut down on the guest list because we’ve come into a budget crunch. I know that as a close friend, you’ll support me in this decision and I’d love for us to get together before/after the wedding.”
In the case where someone you have invited and your mother, mother-in-law or maid of honor objects… sometimes we as adults just need to suck it up and deal with it for a day. Whose day does she think it is? You must stand up for yourself. She has no right deciding who is worthy of your invitation. And then, again, every situation is different. Just remember it is YOUR wedding and you have the final decision.
BONUS Articles: Q & A – Can I Remove a Bridesmaid from the Wedding Party?
Serving Her Majesty the Bride: To Be a Maid of Honor. . . or Not (Guidelines for the Maid of Honor)
10 Fights All Brides Have During Wedding Planning and How to Avoid ‘Em
Your Wedding is “YOUR” Wedding!
Your Wedding Day is “YOUR” Day and You Get to Say!
Larry’s Note: A special “thank you” to Jen Kiaba, Jen Kiaba Photography, New York, for her thoughts on this subject.
Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s “romantic” Wedding Website. Larry James is an award winning, non-denominational wedding officiant and performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere! Every wedding ceremony is customized to your complete satisfaction. Call to check availability: 480-998-9411 or 800-725-9223. Pre-maritial relationship coaching is available and not required. You will find more than 470 pages of Wedding ideas, tips (90 tips and growing), ceremonies, and more at: http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com. Something NEW about weddings is posted every 4th day on this Wedding BLOG. Check Larry’s availability.
NOTE: All articles, “LoveNotes” and wedding tips listed in this Wedding BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.
Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Relationship BLOG” at: http://CelebrateLove.wordpress.com/
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Authors & Speakers” BLOG at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com