Larry James' CelebrateIntimateWeddings BLOG

Sunday, January 8, 2012

You’re Fired! – Letting the Maid of Honor Go!

Filed under: The Maid of Honor — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Larry’s Note: I am aware that this can be a very touchy topic. You may or may not agree with my suggestions, but just remember… that is what the “comments” section is all about. Your comments are welcome!

If you find yourself in a situation where someone in your bridal party isn’t fulfilling the commitments that are required, what do you do?

firedBe brave! It’s never an easy task to fire someone, however. . .

This is the most precious day of your life and you must never allow anyone in your bridal party to be anything less than their best nor have your wedding day be anything less than the highest priority on their list on your wedding day! NEVER!

First, it is of utmost importance that before you choose anyone, especially the Maid or Matron of honor, you have a serious “sit-down” conversation with her about “everything” that expected of her. Make it very clear that if she is unwilling or cannot comply, that you will have to choose someone else. Never choose a known slacker even if she is a friend. If, for any reason, they are unable to be at the wedding or provide the services that are required, they must have the courtesy to tell you as soon as possible.

Sadly, best friends are sometimes not always the best choice. Be careful when choosing an out-of-town bridesmaid. This person may not be able tp attend any of the prewedding activities. If that is an expectation and they cannot comply, choose someone else. Even if it is a longtime friend, working on coming to a place of understanding is the preferred way to go rather than to disinvite her.

(Just to be clear, uninvite is not a word, it is slang – disinvite is a verb meaning to rescind an invitation).

While etiquette generally states that once you’ve invited a bridesmaid, you shouldn’t disinvite her, that doesn’t always prepare you for every single event that might arise. Certainly etiquette doesn’t always take into account the myriad of situations that you might find yourself in during the wedding planning – and even in the course of the big day. You certainly don’t need any drama on your wedding day.

If you find yourself in a situation where one of your bridal party isn’t fulfilling the commitments that are required, what do you do?

bridezillaAsk yourself if it’s a big enough deal to let it ruin your day. If it is, “fix it!” In my opinion it would be better to lose a friend than to have them not be mature enough to carry out your wishes especially on your wedding day. Better her leave and you choose someone else than for you to turn into a Bridezilla! On the other hand, if she is one of your best friends, well… you need to make a choice. Keep her in the wedding and keep a friend and hope for the best.

If you have to disinvite someone, be prepare to lose a friend in this kind of situation. It would be wise to rule out texting and Facebook. 😉 Not a good idea. I would suggest that you have a private conversation with her (non-accusatory, of course) and first remind her that she is a good friend and of the conversation you initially had with her when you invited her to be your maid of honor. Assume she has a really good reason for her apparent lack of interest in carrying out her duties and let her know you are disappointed and listen how she responds. No excuses.

I do believe in second chances so if you truly believe that there is hope that she will come around let her know that you are depending upon her as a friend and let it go. If she continues to not answer phone calls or email and provides no explanation as to why she is avoiding involvement in your wedding, it may be time for you two to sit down and let her know that you will be choosing someone else. Do this as far in advance of the wedding as possible.

What about disinviting a guest? While in the strictest sense of etiquette it is seen as inappropriate to disinvite a wedding guest, it’s important to remember that every family situation is different. In this particular instance, you may want to call the guest and say, “Jennifer, I’m calling because I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate our friendship and that it troubles me but I have to cut down on the guest list because we’ve come into a budget crunch. I know that as a close friend, you’ll support me in this decision and I’d love for us to get together before/after the wedding.”

In the case where someone you have invited and your mother, mother-in-law or maid of honor objects… sometimes we as adults just need to suck it up and deal with it for a day. Whose day does she think it is? You must stand up for yourself. She has no right deciding who is worthy of your invitation. And then, again, every situation is different. Just remember it is YOUR wedding and you have the final decision.

BONUS Articles: Q & A – Can I Remove a Bridesmaid from the Wedding Party?
Serving Her Majesty the Bride: To Be a Maid of Honor. . . or Not (Guidelines for the Maid of Honor)
10 Fights All Brides Have During Wedding Planning and How to Avoid ‘Em
Your Wedding is “YOUR” Wedding!
Your Wedding Day is “YOUR” Day and You Get to Say!

Larry’s Note: A special “thank you” to Jen Kiaba, Jen Kiaba Photography, New York, for her thoughts on this subject.

Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s “romantic” Wedding Website. Larry James is an award winning, non-denominational wedding officiant and performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere! Every wedding ceremony is customized to your complete satisfaction. Call to check availability: 480-998-9411 or 800-725-9223. Pre-maritial relationship coaching is available and not required. You will find more than 470 pages of Wedding ideas, tips (90 tips and growing), ceremonies, and more at: http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com. Something NEW about weddings is posted every 4th day on this Wedding BLOG. Check Larry’s availability.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles, “LoveNotes” and wedding tips listed in this Wedding BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Friday, March 18, 2011

Q & A – Can I Remove a Bridesmaid from the Wedding Party?

Filed under: Maid/Matron of Honor,The Maid of Honor,Wedding Attendants — Larry James @ 7:00 am
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Linda Kevick, Guest Author

Q. I asked a friend to be in my wedding and now I regret it. I asked my bridesmaids too soon and I am left with one that I am not comfortable with anymore. We aren’t very good friends, in fact we are closer to acquaintances. I had asked her as just an off-handed comment, but when she later asked me to be in hers, which I know was to return the favor, I then felt I had to keep her in – even though my offer was completely non-committal. So am I in essence “stuck” with her or can I ask a closer friend to be in her place? This woman lives three hours away and we very rarely have contact. – Rachel N.

bridebridesmaidfightA. There is no question that you are in a very tough, un-enviable spot – and you are certainly not alone. This is a common problem encountered by brides-to-be. It is the very reason that I always urge couples to think very carefully before asking anyone to be a member of the wedding party, rather than spontaneously rushing into decisions. I generally suggest that people wait until the point that they have begun the actual wedding planning process before asking attendants, as so much can change with the passage of a little bit of time.

There’s no question that it’s best to avoid getting into these situations in the first place – because once they arise there is no easy way out, and it does become a sticky mess. Unfortunately, however, as in this case, sometimes that advice comes too late and suddenly you find yourself in the very position you are in now.

Without a doubt, your wedding will probably be the single most important day in your life, and it is so important to surround yourself on that day of all days with people who really matter; the type you know will likely be around for a long time to come. When you look back at your wedding pictures ten years from now, will the people you see in your photos still be a meaningful part of your life?

Will you even know where to find them? If you can’t answer yes to these questions, you may be choosing the wrong people.

However, the problem is that you did ask this girl, and unfortunately you may now have to live with that decision. To remove her or ask her to step down could be a very hurtful thing to do and therefore is absolutely not advisable. It is so important to project good manners, graciousness, and kindness of heart at all times surrounding an event like one’s wedding. To behave any other way is unbecoming of a bride.

crying_brideThe only time it is justifiable to remove someone from a wedding party is when there has been a serious falling out with that individual, when the individual has shown a blatant disregard for their role in the wedding, or has behaved extremely offensively or hurtful to you or other members of the wedding party. Since you’ve mentioned nothing of the sort, I’m assuming this is not the case in your situation. From what you’ve said, it sounds much more like a spontaneous, spur of the moment thing, where unfortunately you spoke before you had the chance to clearly think the matter through. It was an innocent mistake, but one which you may have no choice now but to live with – if you are going to do the right thing. And, it appears obvious to me that you do have great concern for doing the right thing, as evidenced by the fact that you took the time to submit this question.

However, it is not game over yet. As I said earlier, it is very important to have people in the wedding party who have great meaning to you, and so, with regards to the other young lady you now feel you would have preferred to ask, there is no reason why she cannot still be added. If you are worried about having an unequal number of bridesmaids to groomsmen, this need not be a concern. Today, this is being done frequently in wedding parties. All it may mean, in this case, is that one lucky groomsmen will have the privilege of escorting two ladies – a lady on each arm – instead of just one! (The guy will love this!). It can, in fact, be quite charming and delightfully refreshing in the eyes of your guests! Perhaps the very thing to make your wedding stand out in their minds as being a little more memorable! At the same time it can provide a very workable solution to your dilemma whereby everyone is happy, everyone gets what they want, and no one gets hurt.

So, you can still work with the situation, you see? The main thing is to ensure that you do nothing to make the young lady feel uncomfortable, unwanted, or unwelcome – even if it means applying extra special effort and going out of your way to ensure this. It is not her fault that you may have spoken too soon, and therefore she cannot, and should not, be punished.

Linda KevickCopyright © 2011 – Linda Kevick. Reprinted with permission. Linda Kevich is the creator and editor of SuperWeddings.com. She has been a professional wedding consultant for the past ten years, and now teaches the business of wedding consulting through a home study program she has developed. Have a wedding question? Click here to ask the expert!

Larry James is an award winning, non-denominational wedding officiant and performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere! Every wedding ceremony is customized to your complete satisfaction. Call to check availability: 480-998-9411 or 800-725-9223. Pre-maritial relationship coaching is available and not required. You will find more than 455 pages of Wedding ideas, tips (90 tips and growing), ceremonies, and more at: http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com. Something NEW about weddings is posted every 4th day on this Wedding BLOG. Check Larry’s availability.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles, “LoveNotes” and wedding tips listed in this Wedding BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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