Larry James' CelebrateIntimateWeddings BLOG

Friday, November 25, 2011

Don’t Say, “I do!” When You Should Say, “I don’t!”

Filed under: Cancel the Wedding,Wedding Tips — Larry James @ 8:00 am

Instead of “Here comes the bride”… it’s, “Here comes the break-up!”

scaredBRIDE30% of all divorced women who dawn the white dress and walk down the aisle – even though they had a sinking feeling that their marriage wasn’t going to work – do it in spite of that feeling!

Some brides go into marriage thinking, “If it doesn’t work out I can always get a divorce.” I’ve been a relationship coach since 1995 and you should never underestimate the pain of going through a divorce even if you are the one who serves the divorce papers. Regardless of the reason for the divorce… it hurts and it is often difficult to know how long it will hurt, how long it will take you to work through this hurt.

It’s true that some women are more in love with the idea of getting married than who the groom is. The bride’s reasoning, faulty at best, includes:

#1 – I don’t want to waste the time I’ve invested in this relationship.
#2 – All my friends are getting married, I don’t want to be alone.
#3 – He’ll change after we get married.
#4 – It’s too embarrassing or expensive to call off the wedding.

runawayGROOMAnother part of the reason is “Wedding planning fever.” The brides get so caught up in the $42,000,000,000.00-a-year wedding industry that we all know so well. That’s BILLION not million. They get wrapped up in the excitement of planning the wedding – the “fairytale fantasy – that they lose track of what they are doing and why they are doing it – they miss seeing the BIG picture.

It’s not only brides who call the wedding off. Sometimes guys do it do. Their reasoning:

#1 – I don’t want to disappoint this women.
#2 – I don’t want to disappoint her family.
#3 – I don’t want to look bad to all of my friends.

How can you tell the difference between wedding jitters and cold feet? According to the American Heritage Dictionary:

Jitters are defined as nervousness; a feeling of fright or uneasiness.
Cold feet is a slang term that means fearfulness or timidity preventing the completion of a course of action.

By definition, cold feet is more specific as it relates to taking (or not taking) an action. Having the jitters means an overall sense of nervousness. It’s not at all unusual for couples to experience doubts about marriage. It’s perfectly normal. It happens. There is a lot to think about when making sure all the details of the wedding flow together. Those are temporary concerns. Be sure you draw the distinction between being “nervous” and “cold feet!”

HowNotToMarryTheWrongGuyOften these symptoms signify a more serious problem and deserve immediate attention. If you are getting cold feet, it’s best to save yourself a lot of headaches, attorney fees, etc., confront the problem head on and/or call off the wedding beforehand when you feel that you would rather say, “I don’t!” instead of, “I do!” Another option is to get coaching. Talk to someone who can help you work through any issues that may surface before the big day. If you still are uncertain after coaching… call it off.

Rachel Safier, author of “There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On,” called off her wedding two weeks before the big day. Since then, she’s talked to a lot of runaway brides and says that none regrets canceling her wedding. Their only regret is not stepping up sooner. “People know what they need, but finding the truth is not as hard as accepting it.”

Here is a book that could help. How NOT to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He “the One” or Should You Run? A Guide to Living Happily Ever After!” by Ann Milford and Jennifer Gauvain. This book is not just for engaged women! This book will help EVERY woman who is struggling with her relationship.

BONUS Article: Engagement Issues: Dealing With Cold Feet

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s “romantic” Wedding Website. Larry James is an award winning, non-denominational wedding officiant and performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere! Every wedding ceremony is customized to your complete satisfaction. Call to check availability: 480-998-9411 or 800-725-9223. Pre-maritial relationship coaching is available and not required. You will find more than 470 pages of Wedding ideas, tips (90 tips and growing), ceremonies, and more at: Something NEW about weddings is posted every 4th day on this Wedding BLOG. Check Larry’s availability.

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NOTE: All articles, “LoveNotes” and wedding tips listed in this Wedding BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.


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