Your wedding day belongs solely to you – the engaged couple – and should NEVER be compromised by others who believe that they are “helping” by getting involved. Just as you and your fiancé are excited about your wedding, your parents are feeling the same sense of excitement.
One of the most important things you can do after you become engaged and you share the joyful news with family and friends is to sit down with both sets of parents and ask if they would like to contribute to your wedding. Communication is the most important aspect of planning your wedding with an over-bearing mother, or mother-in-law to be. How can the mother of the bride support her daughter? Let your mother know that all you want is her support. You may want to ask the mother and the mother-in-law to be to accompany you to view venues, dresses, florists, etc., and will welcome their opinions but that you will want to make the final decisions. It is wise to establish some ground rules early and certainly discuss that you would like first. Set boundaries for your mother-in-law and after you do, both partners must stand by them.
Daughters still typically turn to their mother for help and guidance in planning one of the most important days of their life, but they usually have their own ideas and thoughts on exactly how they want it to be and have long ago chosen their colors and themes. Mothers may be helpful in adding ideas that the bride had not considered.
This includes the mother of the bride and the groom (and friends, too!). The prospect of change – losing her daughter or wanting to have her daughter have the wedding the mother never had – can bring up deep feelings for both you and your mother as the big day gets closer. Nothing could be more natural. The relationship you share with the moms and dads will affect your decision to include them or exclude them and to what extent. How you each handle these feelings depends on your own personality and your willingness to give up control of all of the details of your wedding.
It’s not your mother’s wedding… but what if she’s paying for it? If you want a disc jockey and she is will to upgrade to a band, you may want to consider it. If the guest list is growing out of control, filled with your parents friends and co-workers, that may be something you give in to. Some parents think that because they are footing the bill that everything they want should be agreed to.
Some mothers assume that you want and need their advice. Ideas, suggestions, etc., “Yes!” Advice and demands – Opps! – be careful with how you handle this one. It can become a touchy subject. Your wedding is not meant to tear families apart but instead bring them closer together. “Handle with care” are the key words. Let everyone know that you are open to suggestions, but let them know firmly that you will be making the final choices. You may want to acquiesce to some of your mother and mother-in-law’s wishes to keep peace in the families.
If demands are leading to major difficulties, perhaps you may want to get out your checkbook and pay for the wedding yourself. This may be a good way to appease a strong will and still create a wedding that is more to your taste.
I once had a father tell me point blank that since he was paying for the wedding that he and his wife would be making the final decisions. I very politely told him that if he insisted upon things that the bride did not want that he and his wife may end up being responsible for hurt feelings and for driving a wedge between the bride and them.
I told him of another situation where the bride abruptly cancelled the wedding that the parents had already spent a significant about of dollars on and ran away to get married so she could have it her way. While that was indeed an extreme I cautioned him and his wife that they may want to be a little more open to negotiation with his daughter. His daughter later told me that he did relent of some of the key things that were the cause of her dilemma. The father came up to me at the reception and thanked me for our previous conversation. I wasn’t concerned if he became angry at me because I would rather him hear that the bride was upset from me and be angry with me than for him to be angry with the bride.
“When and if you do decide to ask for assistance, do not ask for assistance in a category that you feel particularly passionate about and try to find tasks that are of some interest to the person. For example, if your in-laws are wine aficionados, ask them to lead the way in selecting wines for the cocktail hour and the meal.” ~ Holly Lefevre
Assign several tasks the parents can do to help them feel they are “involved.” Ask them to send the invitations, plan and host the rehearsal dinner (traditionally the groom’s parents), gather childhood photos of your fiance for a reception slide-show or do a reading at the wedding (let them know you will have final approval of what reading will be read).
Hopefully the bride and grooms’ parents are helpful, and supportive during the wedding planning process. You and your fiancé can and should put your collective foot down and say “No” when necessary.
Planning a wedding is a sensitive time for many important relationships that will be with you long after the wedding, however in the end the only people who you should have the final say are yourself and your partner.
BONUS Article: Your Wedding is “YOUR” Wedding!
Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s “romantic” Wedding Website. Larry James is an award winning, non-denominational wedding officiant and performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere! Every wedding ceremony is customized to your complete satisfaction. Call to check availability: 480-998-9411 or 800-725-9223. Pre-maritial relationship coaching is available and not required. You will find more than 470 pages of Wedding ideas, tips (90 tips and growing), ceremonies, and more at: http://www.celebrateintimateweddings.com. Something NEW about weddings is posted every 4th day on this Wedding BLOG. Check Larry’s availability.
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